Female Ejaculation is often considered the holy grail of the many different types of female orgasm (clitoral, cervical, vaginal). The Ancient Greeks wrote about it, the Kama Sutra discusses it as similar to male semen, and some societies teach young women ‘Kunyaza’ – how to ‘spray the wall’ in preparation for marriage. 

But what exactly is female ejaculation? Is it the same as squirting – the prevail of male gaze porn films? And what the hell does it have to do with intimacy?

More importantly, how can you get some ejaculatory action if you’ve never done it before or believed you had some form of incontinence when you did?!

Our Experience of Female Ejaculation

I discovered I could ejaculate as a child when I first began masturbating aged 8/9 (what can I say, I was an only child – there are only so many books you can read!).

My child mind termed it ‘the weeing bit’ because that was the only liquid I knew that came out from my genitals. I don’t remember being disgusted or ashamed of if then, although I clearly knew it was a private activity (carried out in my airer ‘wendy house’ and not something I shared with my mother!).

Fast forward to adulthood and I didn’t really think much of it. It didn’t happen when I masturbated anymore (perhaps the emotional holding-in that developed in my turbulent childhood had disturbed my free-flowing, natural child state?), until I started using various devices to masturbate with. 

While vibrators, even the ubiquitous rampant rabbit, never really did it for me, electric toothbrushes and hair clippers (with the largest guard on!!!) really did.  The experience was so intense and primal, leading to a gush of fluid. Even better was that I could do it several times in a row and each time it became more intense.

That same child-like delight was still there, however it was, by now, coupled with a modicum of embarrassment and shame. After all, female ejaculation isn’t something we tend to gush about (pun intended!) at the watercooler or the school gates! It became something that I did occasionally, was an amazing release but I didn’t tell anyone I could do it, not even my partners.

Then along came Lea. The first real love of my life!

Suddenly intimacy walls were coming down left, right and centre. I was showing up in our relationship in many, varied and unexpected ways. We began to strip away not just our clothing but also our defences, narratives, patterns and fears – and that was in every area, including sexually.

In the summer of 2018, we were on our second, child-free holiday in Devon, the first part of which we spent glamping in a bell tent, in a secluded field on an organic farm. A lovely scene but not necessarily the first place you’d associate with some relationship virginal squirting, right? (Unless you count my naked trampolining…)

And yet…the heavens opened, the geyser spurted, the plug was pulled (ok, so my water-related euphemisms may have dried up but my lady garden definitely hadn’t!). To save you (and me) from too many personal details, I’ll gloss over the explicit bits of how it came about and tell you that it was a bloody BIG shock all round!!

We’d talked about my previous experiences of ejaculating, guffawed over the thought of it and googled more about the mechanics of it. 

What Exactly Is Female Ejaculate?

There’s still debate about what female ejaculate actually is. Ejaculate and squirt are different to the cervical fluid that is released when a woman is aroused and makes her ‘wet’.

Some researchers believe there is a difference between the fluid that comes out when women squirt and actual ejaculate fluid. Both contain some creatinine and urea – making them similar in structure to urine. Indeed squirting fluid is thought to be stored in the bladder and comes out of the urethra – “like pee only sexier”!

This feels odd to me because although it feels like I want to wee just before I ejaculate, having a wee is usually my first post-coital activity! To preserve my dignity about the possibility that I just wet the bed during sex, female ejaculation has been referred to as the ‘nectar of the gods’ and a 2014 study found it tasted sweet (that poor researcher!! And, Lea disagrees!!!) and had no smell. Phew!

Incidentally, if you’re considering heading onto the world wide web in search of squirting images or videos, BEWARE!

Because of the possibility that female squirting or ejaculate is made up of urine, UK obscenity laws deem it illegal to view women partaking in such water sports. Furthermore, in order to ensure they can squirt on demand, many female porn actors consume large volumes of fluid and simply wee instead! 

Ejaculate, however, is a different substance to squirt, being thicker and milky and containing prostatic acid phosphatase (PSA). This enzyme is present in male semen and is what helps sperm motility. Female ejaculate also contains fructose just like male semen, acting as a source of energy for the sperm. 

Where Does It Come From?

This ejaculate fluid is believed, by many, to originate in the Skene’s glands (also referred to as the female prostate). These glands are on the front inside wall of the vagina – yep, right near the G-spot. When these glands are stimulated, PSA and fructose are produced which then move into the urethra. 

Our experience is that this liquid seems to come from deeper in the vagina – not the urethra. Part of the disparity with women’s actual experience of squirting and ejaculating and ‘scientific’ data about the topic is the paltry amount of research that has been carried out.

I’d love to be involved in a study that researches this more fully, although I’m not sure my ability to relax and ‘open up’ would be so great if I knew I was about to be swabbed!! 

It is also undecided in scientific circles whether female ejaculation, orgasm and the G-spot are connected…

The G-spot itself is hard to find and that’s because it forms part of the clitoral network. There is evidence (not least of all my own!) that the G-spot doesn’t have to be stimulated to achieve ejaculation or squirting.

Indeed, my hair clipper and toothbrush sex aid exploits were all focused on repeated clitoral stimulation which created such deep female ejaculation and orgasm it made me cry! Evidence of the depth and spread of clitoral nerve endings.

Female Ejaculation + Intimacy? 

So, what has this elusive, fascinating, under-talked-about topic of female ejaculation got to do with intimacy? Quite a lot actually. 

The irony of Lea’s first waterboarding (!) experience is that I had loftily proclaimed that I didn’t think I’d be able to do it in our relationship until I fully trusted her – the implication being a long time away or maybe never!!! 

I was thus pretty embarrassed and felt bloody vulnerable after gushing all over her in the tent! I was also concerned about how we’d get to sleep with a big wet patch on the double sleeping bag and whether the people in the other tent in the field had heard us!! Lea was surprised, intrigued and a tad delighted (I say with my fingers, legs and labia crossed).

Given I thought I might be my own soulmate forevermore – yep, there’s actually a video where she caught me admitting that little narcissistic gem! – it feels pretty darn intimate to be able to let go sexually, so freely with another person; and to have built the trust between us that I feel I can be fully seen and loved and held for ALL of me.

The fact that I have ‘done it first’, as it were, doesn’t surprise us either.

Apart from the obvious reason that I’ve been doing it since I was eight and she hasn’t yet done it, there’s the way our ‘stuff’ interacts…

My semi-extrovert desire is to be seen (narcissistic tendencies from not having been seen as a child) whereas Lea hates being in the spotlight (her childhood fear was that being in the spotlight might result in her vulnerabilities and weaknesses being seen, and she might be abandoned again. Lea was adopted). So for me, the letting go and being seen doesn’t feel quite as scary as for Lea.  

Lea also likes to be in control, and ejaculating – at least the first few times – feels like a definite loss of control! (It’ll be so good for her!).

The interesting part about all of this from an intimacy perspective is that in the beginning I felt massively vulnerable being the one to let go, as though I was giving all of myself to another and was raw, naked and exposed in front of her.

Now, however, there has been a shift which isn’t about feeling powerless, exposed, and giving (control) to someone else but more about harnessing the power of vulnerability and being in control of letting myself receive the intimacy and love I want. In true iSpot speak, it’s come to feel like a superpower! 

Given Lea’s past, if she’s going to head into unchartered ejaculatory waters, knowing what that looks like (literally) might be the thing that makes it possible. Knowing that the loss of control isn’t forever. Knowing that I am willing to open myself up to her, just might make her open up in return…here’s hoping!

How To ‘Do’ Female Ejaculation Yourself

Want to get your hands (or tongue/fingers!) on this elusive female holy grail? Here’s our squirt-inducing, ejaculate-emitting, gush-galore guide to experiencing it for yourself or helping your partner experience it…

Take the pressure off. If you think about female ejaculation as some mystical holy grail or the pinnacle of sexual pleasure, it will probably remain out of reach! There’s plenty of fun to be had with different body parts that can result in amazing pleasure, orgasms and intimacy.

Enjoy those first and see where increased intimacy – that starts outside of the bedroom – can take you when you’re between the sheets. The more you can create connection, trust and honesty in ALL areas of your life and being, the easier this will come sexually and the more likely you are to be able to squirt like the proverbial geyser.

Practice, practice, practice. On your own or with a partner. A partner is likely to be able to stimulate your G-spot better than you can yourself. Your G-spot is on the front inside wall of your vagina. You could try vibrators or wands that curve round and are designed to specifically stimulate that area; common advice is that it requires at least 20 minutes of stimulation of that area, although our experiences prove it can be a whole lot shorter!

Such devices are designed to reach further than fingers, but my experience is that I’d take Lea’s fingers any day over some hard, cold bit of plastic/silicone/glass! You may find it easier to enjoy one (or more) external clitoral orgasms first, before being penetrated; in our experience this is great foreplay and builds the intimacy and trust which can be needed to more fully let go, both physically and emotionally. 

Conscious intention. With Lea, I often consciously intend to let go enough to ejaculate or squirt. When we’ve had long days with the kids or been full-on with domestic duties this can sometimes feel hard, but working at getting into that loving, connected, intimate space together really helps. I use specific words to myself such as ‘it’s safe to let go’, I visualise myself opening up like a flower, focus on all the many reasons I love her, and remember how great it feels when I allow myself to yield and surrender. 

G-Spot NOT Necessary! 

Remember, clitoral and vaginal stimulation alone can also lead to ejaculation! My experience of this has been both when I’ve masturbated and with Lea. My top tip for self pleasuring efforts is the Philips Sonicare toothbrush (they should so use that on their advertising!!). Obviously you’ll need a different head to the one you clean your teeth with!!!!

Repeated stimulation of the clitoral area even after orgasm is also key. You might need to move into a slightly less sensitive area until you can bear it again but this, for me, leads to the repeated orgasms and ejaculation.

And of course, no ‘how to’ guide would be complete without a reminder to have sex on a towel or use an unsexy waterproof sheet!! 

Resources:

Kunyaza: The Secret to Female Pleasure (2018), by British Nigerian Habeeb Akande, is the first book published on this Eastern and Central African pre-wedding, squirt the wall inducing practice, in English. 

Kim Anami: Sex and relationship coach, vaginal weight lifter and all round sexually knowledgeable bod, Kim Anami offers a refreshingly graphic, upfront(al), pleasure seeking, universally do-able take on all matters sexual including female ejaculation. Her ‘Well Fucked Woman’ and ‘Coming Together’ online salons are on Lea and my sexual lust list. It’s worth a look at her social media and website just to appreciate the awe inspiring images she uses but her words are also wise, smart and borne out of decades of experience.

Philips SoniCare Toothbrush – Better than a rampant rabbit for squirt-ins in my personal opinion!!

References: 

Everything you need to know about female ejaculation. (Greatist)

Nature and Origin of “Squirting” in Female Sexuality (Wiley Online Library)

Every question you ever had about female ejaculation, answered (BBC)

The Joy of Kunyaza: Why women’s pleasure comes first in Rwanda (New Internationalist)

Passion Meets Pleasure: The Ultimate Sex Episode with Kim Anami

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